Under Armour Is Not Swimwear, And Other Swimming Guidelines

Miss Manners I'm not, but folks there's a few important bits of pool etiquette that we should all be aware of, for our own protection. Here's just a few that have sprung to mind in recent pool sessions:

1.) Guys, Under Armour is not swimwear. In fact, it's quite a bit more revealing than the infamous red cycling shorts, especially when wet. Go buy yourself a Speedo. If you don't want to wear the traditional style, the "jammer" style looks just like Under Armour long shorts, yet not transparent. Go with black. Trust me.

2.) If you make noise underwater, we can still hear you. Sound travels better underwater, so if you happen to make sounds akin to a humpback whale's mating call while lap swimming, we will all hear you. Ditto if you hum along to Lady Gaga on your SwiMP3

3.) However, even while keeping Rule #2 in mind, Humming Keeps Water Out of Your Nose During Turns. As long as you're not too loud about it, a little hum during flip turns lets air out your nose and keeps the water from rushing in when you're upside down. Just don't sound like a humpback whale.

4.) If you thought that your humming travels well underwater, the incessant beeping from your pace watch can be heard off the coast of Guatemala. A couple of laps while using one is fine. Anything more is grounds for a kickboard or two that "accidentally" float into your lane. Just sayin'

5.) If you jump into the shallow end to start your swim off with a bang, it creates a sort of tidal wave that fills the mouths of all swimmers near you unlucky enough to be trying to breathe. We really don't want to think about where that water's been, so don't make us drink it.

6.) And this one is serious: If the sign says "Parental Supervision Required", that does not mean you can leave your four year old on the pool stairs while you chat with your gal pal in the hot tub. Especially if you can't see your four year old from the hot tub. Especially if your four year old doesn't swim. I'm not paid to be the lifeguard at any pool, but I can't tell you how many youngsters I've saved from possible death by drowning  (in public, private, hotel pools, hot tubs, lakes, rivers, and creeks). Supervision means to supervise. Please let your kids grow up to be swimmers old enough to be annoyed by the man who created the tidal wave in Lane 1 and is now making the whale sounds with every breath. Thank you.